to point fingers...

Violence on television, inappropriate toys, kids at school... genetics?

I'm not trying to take on the entire Nature vs. Nurture argument in one blog post, but I have made my own scientific observations.

My son is a sweet, curious, energetic boy of 18 months. He doesn't own any toy guns, not even a squirt gun. He has no interest in tv or movies yet (but I can't wait), and he doesn't go to daycare or really anywhere I'm not. His latest development: shooting anything that moves.

He recently crafted a gun from legos, and shot me. If he picks up an object and isn't quite sure what to do with it, it must be a gun. 'Pow Pow' is his phrase of choice, but sometimes you'll get a 'Bam Bam' thrown in. Pens, shoes, food, it's all a weapon.

Is this another step in childhood development? As my mother used to say about Milo, "When he walks into a room, things just break." Now, instead of manually dismembering inanimate objects, he has found a way to make things do his imaginary, destructive bidding for him. Oh, how fast they grow up.

to get sucked in...

"In the days before Medicare and Medicaid, the poor and elderly were admitted to hospitals at the same rate they are now, and received good care. Before those programs came into existence, every physician understood that he or she had a responsibility towards the less fortunate and free medical care was the norm. Hardly anyone is aware of this today, since it doesn’t fit into the typical, by the script story of government rescuing us from a predatory private sector."

-The Revolution: A Manifesto, by Ron Paul, p. 84 Apr 1, 2008


Honestly, you don't have a choice anymore.

The government demands I give them an unorthodox and unconstitutional percentage of my income.

The government demands that incredibly unhealthy people be given health insurance, therefore creating more dependency on the government and drying up the idea of charity.

The government, and law suit fattened Americans, have driven the cost of health care through the roof.

I can't afford insurance and I can't afford $280 doctor visits every couple of weeks while with child.

I have succumbed and enrolled in AIM, a California state program to help middle-income women with the cost of child birth. I don't want to partake, it goes against all of my beliefs; where are my options?

I looked for a doctor that charged reasonable fees I could just pay for. If they existed that would not solve the dilemma of the actual delivery. My last labor resulted in a bill of $19,000.

The government, in trying to mother me, has stunted my ability to care for myself. I am one of the few with the actual desire.

Can I please get back to the country who's slogan was, "Land of the FREE and home of the BRAVE"?

There is a very logical reason why those qualities depend on each other. Freedom is unquestionably dangerous. When you fall there isn't a net unless you've built it. But boy is it a lot more fun.

to feel useless

Or is it just me? Why is it so difficult to find something that makes you feel like anything less than a waste of space. Slight exaggeration I'll admit, but the general sentiment is correct.

I love my family and I have a few friends that pick up the phone when I call, but as far as purpose or general usefulness, it really becomes hard to not drive myself crazy with the lack thereof.

I recently read This Side of Paradise. I am working my way through Fitzgerald's books and biographies and I don't know how much of my current outlook is related to his finite view of the world.

Amory Blaine (the subject of the story) is cool, collected, good looking and lazy. He flounders through life and almost systematically destroys any chance he has at becoming something. He finally decides it's not money or fame that he wants, but simply to be wanted, needed, depended upon and ultimately, missed. He tries to quench such human, almost adolescent desires by committing his life to the catholic church. Not for God or even the sake of religion, but for temporary purpose. I wonder how often this takes place.

Can someone really commit themselves to a "Higher Purpose" for a reason that supersedes their human desires to be needed or used? Does God depend on those desires of ours to compel us to live beyond ourselves? And if a desire to fulfill our emptiness leads to living for the sake of others then are we living beyond ourselves at all?

My father is a great example. He believes he lives selfishly because he does whatever he can for whoever he can and this in turn brings him joy. He is honest about the fact that he does for others because it brings him satisfaction and a karmic return. But if you know my dad you know he's honest about everything.

Is it possible to give and do until it hurts and does this make it "count" more?

to be a critic

I know that, because I am one. I try to catch myself, but it just eeks through. I eat a bad meal I could have cooked better, I watch a bad movie I could have made better, I hear a bad song I could have written better...but I didn't.
People put themselves out there despite the possibility of harsh words from windbags like me; that in itself should be commended.
I don't mean everything created deserves accolades, but they don't deserve useless harangues from someone like me with nothing at stake. No piece of my soul bared for the world to judge.
My unsolicited criticisms are about as helpful braille to a deaf person. There may be a problem, but I'm kidding myself if I think I'm the remedy.

to be mysterious

I'm not jaded, but I am definitely not naive. I have had my crushes, been crushed and done some crushing. I have liked smart guys, cute guys, chubby guys and older guys. In my younger years I always found myself attracted to the mysterious, artistic and scrawny.

I wish I could tell my teenage self one thing; it's a cover. If a man/boy/man-boy is aloof he is usually an idiot. I wanted to be the only key that could unlock their guarded hearts.I wanted to peel back the dark, brooding layers and find a jewel...it ain't there. It's usually a void, maybe with a doodle in crayon, some lint and if you're lucky a few moths. If you're unlucky it's filled with an unadulterated passion...for themselves.

I was very fortunate in my choice of mate. What you see is what you get. That is a very underestimated quality these days. I guess it's what you would call honesty.

to be a bad friend

You all know who I'm talking about. The person that only calls when they have a problem. They don't answer their phone, return calls or care. The "friend" that gets offended when you share your time with someone else. The one that can make any situation you are in about themselves.

Then there it is... their number on my caller id. I would have answered if they had called back sooner. I don't want to listen to their lousy excuses on my voicemail, delete. I lurk their facebook and see who they care about enough to actually talk too. Oh no, they're logged on too! Better click off before they start chatting and ask why I haven't returned their call. They probably just want to talk about their loud neighbor and his bad taste in music. That's nothing! I can hear my criminally insane neighbor belch through the...wall... oh... ummmm...

and yet, so hard

In the current cultural climate many people are willing to check the Christian/Other box if need be. But sometimes admitting it, out loud, in public, where people can actually hear you can be a bit embarrassing.

Yes the word 'Christian' might affiliate you with some ignorant, judgmental and arrogant people, but so does the word 'human' or 'American'.

I find people like Rob Bell can take the sting out of it.

I was lucky enough to see him give this lecture in LA and had the privileged of meeting him afterward. I would recommend this DVD to anyone, in public, where people can actually hear me.