Or is it just me? Why is it so difficult to find something that makes you feel like anything less than a waste of space. Slight exaggeration I'll admit, but the general sentiment is correct.
I love my family and I have a few friends that pick up the phone when I call, but as far as purpose or general usefulness, it really becomes hard to not drive myself crazy with the lack thereof.
I recently read This Side of Paradise. I am working my way through Fitzgerald's books and biographies and I don't know how much of my current outlook is related to his finite view of the world.
Amory Blaine (the subject of the story) is cool, collected, good looking and lazy. He flounders through life and almost systematically destroys any chance he has at becoming something. He finally decides it's not money or fame that he wants, but simply to be wanted, needed, depended upon and ultimately, missed. He tries to quench such human, almost adolescent desires by committing his life to the catholic church. Not for God or even the sake of religion, but for temporary purpose. I wonder how often this takes place.
Can someone really commit themselves to a "Higher Purpose" for a reason that supersedes their human desires to be needed or used? Does God depend on those desires of ours to compel us to live beyond ourselves? And if a desire to fulfill our emptiness leads to living for the sake of others then are we living beyond ourselves at all?
My father is a great example. He believes he lives selfishly because he does whatever he can for whoever he can and this in turn brings him joy. He is honest about the fact that he does for others because it brings him satisfaction and a karmic return. But if you know my dad you know he's honest about everything.
Is it possible to give and do until it hurts and does this make it "count" more?
